Roger Clemens is not talking to the media about performance-enhancing drug use. Or so we thought. In this exclusive interview, Roger Clemens talks at length to a lowly blogging college student, with no media credentials or affiliations, about the mess that has come about from the release of the Mitchell Report.
**NOTE: The following interview never actually took place. It was written solely for satirical purposes and is in no way meant to represent the truth about Roger Clemens or any of his legal proceedings. Enjoy the ride.**
Eyes on the Ball: Thank you for taking time out of helping out at Astros camp to speak with me, Roger.
Rocket: No problem at all, Rob. You seem to be the only journalist giving me the benefit of the doubt.
EOTB: Umm… yes, of course… (notes to block Clemens from viewing last two posts)… Let’s start off with this: What was your initial reaction to being named in the Mitchell Report?
Rocket: Well, I knew Mac (Brian McNamee) was talking to investigators about it, but I had no idea I would be involved. If my wife, Debbie, had just refused to take HGH to look schmexy in Sports Illustrated, I wouldn’t have even been a part of it. My first reaction was like I was going to be caught… um… up in the fallout, you know, the media reaction.
EOTB: Right, and so you made a YouTube video denying your use, gave an exclusive interview to an 89-year-old, and called a press conference where you played an inconclusive phone conversation with Brian McNamee which is illegal to tape in some states.
Rocket: All of that was done at the advice of my lawyers. Rusty Hardin, as you may very well know, is one of the best defense attorneys out there. I’m confident he’ll get me off for this. I mean, because I’m innocent. Needles bad.
EOTB: OK, so you go to Capitol Hill, give your deposition, and spend the rest of the week talking to the Republicans that are going to question you. At the big hearing, the Republicans call McNamee a liar, and the Democrats call you a liar. Do you think talking with the politicians prior to the hearing hurt your credibility?
Rocket: Well, again, that was Rusty’s idea. Yea, I chatted with some of the reps. I’ve never been to one of these hearings before. Why wouldn’t I want to know what to expect? Why not give them a few autographs for their time? I don’t see the bias.
EOTB: So you’re saying you didn’t influence any of the politicians who attacked McNamee’s credibility in the same way you and your lawyers have attacked it?
Rocket: No, not at all. They saw the same kind of man that I saw. Who saves used syringes in an empty beer can for over seven years? I can’t believe he kept those… err… that he made up some evidence.
EOTB: Moving on, what is your reaction to Andy Pettitte’s admission that not only did McNamee tell the whole truth about him, but he also injected himself with HGH on another occasion in 2004?
Rocket: Well, I can’t really speak about Andy’s situation because it’s a different situation. Like I said under oath, he misrememebered that conversation we had. And the other one in 2004. Why doesn’t anyone believe that a man in his late 20s to early 30s, who has scouting reports in his head for every hitter in baseball, can forget a conversation about illegal stuff?
EOTB: Roger, isn’t it true that trainers aren’t allowed by any major league clubs to give injections? And that Lidocaine and B12 shots require a prescription?
Rocket: I didn’t know that at the time. I wish I did. I figured, hey, people with diabetes can inject themselves, why can’t Mac inject me? A little piece of paper?
EOTB: Roger, the FBI is opening an investigation because of holes that Henry Waxman’s committee have found in your testimony. What do think about that?
Rocket: Well, it’s a very big load on my shoulders. I was nervous up there. It”s hard to keep up a huge, complicated lie in front of the nation’s top lawmakers. Uh, for Mac I mean. Not me.
EOTB: Ok Roger, lastly, even if you are found innocent, do you think this will tarnish your legacy as one of the best pitchers of all-time?
Rocket: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I’M DOING THIS JUST TO GET INTO THE HALL OF FAME? FOR THE LAST TIME, I DON’T GIVE A RAT’S ASS ABOUT THE HALL OF FAME!
And that’s about where the interview broke off. Roger ran off steaming mad and hit Astros minor leaguers with 85 mph fastballs.
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